


You Will Not Take My Heart Alive

by lesbiancordy



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Heavy, F/F, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-13 00:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21485074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiancordy/pseuds/lesbiancordy
Summary: AU set at the end of season one.As Julia is debating what to do immediately following the disastrous summoning, the last person she expects to see shows up.
Relationships: Kady Orloff-Diaz/Julia Wicker, Quentin Coldwater & Julia Wicker
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	You Will Not Take My Heart Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This is a somewhat self indulgent 'what if people were nice to Julia in season one and she had a support system' fic.  
Deals with the immediate aftermath of her rape, though there's nothing as graphic as what we saw in the show.  
I fucked around with the timeline, so to clarify this is set when Q and Co were going to Kady to get battle magic, but Julia and Kady's story has been moved forward a bit.  
Title/lyrics from the Joanna Newsom song of the same name, which I listened to on repeat when writing this.

> _And how long did you climb that night,_
> 
> _with the ice in your lungs, on the rungs of the light?_
> 
> _Beyond recall, you severed all strings_
> 
> _to everyone, and everything_

She felt vaguely unattached to her body, to her surroundings. She knew logically that she was sitting on the floor of her apartment, surrounded by reminders of the disastrous day, but she didn't feel it; she felt completely untethered to the reality of the situation. On a normal day, she probably would have recognized that feeling for what it was: dissociation. This was not a normal day.

Her thumb hovered over the contacts on her phone, stuck in a moment of loss and indecision. She had burned pretty much all her bridges at this point, she was sure of it. She'd attempted to contact Q a few weeks ago, when she was still in rehab; attempted to start to make amends in some small way--but she hadn't heard back from him. Which she assured herself was fine; he didn't owe her anything, much less his forgiveness. She hadn’t quite forgiven him either.

However, this meant she definitely couldn't call him. She's not sure she'd call him right then even if they _were_ speaking, this wasn't exactly the sort of thing she'd want to drag him into. She knows he'd help, even if they were currently on bad terms, but she also knows just how _deeply_ he feels. She was not going to pile more of her shit onto his already full plate.

Her eyes fell to an object halfway across the room; Kady's phone was on the floor, and a pang of relief washed through Julia when she remembered that despite everything else, Kady had gotten out. She was alive, unharmed. Probably a mess, mentally, but the important thing was she got out. She was clinging to that fact to keep her afloat.

With no way to contact Kady, she was hit with the very lonely realization that she had _no one_ else; all her other friends were lying lifeless a few feet away from her. She closed her eyes and fought down a wave of nausea, making sure to keep her eyes off of their bodies; she was balancing on the very edge of her sanity, and she was sure even glancing at them at that moment would push her over.

Banishing all other thoughts, she stared again at her phone. Who was left? Not her family, not James, certainly not the police. She wouldn't be able to explain the bodies, the blood, the summoning and everything that came after--no, that wasn't an option.

Would she have to get rid of their bodies herself? She didn't have the first clue of how to do that, magician or not.

But she knew who would.

As she scrolled to Marina's name, still saved in her phone despite the messy way they had ended things, she considered her limited options. Marina may be willing to help, _if_ there was something in it for her, something for her to gain or exploit. Julia's not sure what she could offer that Marina would want, but she might as well try; it's not like the bar for their strange relationship could get any lower.

Finally deciding on calling the terrifying hedge witch for help, she was startled out of the staring contest with her phone by the last person that she wanted or expected to see.

"Jules?"

* * *

Quentin hadn't thought about Julia that much recently, to his chagrin. His troubled (ex-?)best friend's letter had left him feeling unsure, guilty, angry...and worried.

He didn't have the space in his brain for any of it, not with everything else that was happening; the beast, their imminent deaths, and more recently his own relationship drama. That last one was self indulgent, bordering on self pitying, he knew, but he was long overdue that kind of relationship; he had never really been one to connect with people, not like Julia had. Not until Brakebills, that is.

It was almost like they'd swapped roles; him, thriving socially and romantically in a way he never had before, and her, in an inpatient program trying to escape her demons.

When he allowed himself to think about Julia, that thought was the one he circled back to the most. He was ashamed to say he felt an odd mix of pride and guilt, to finally not be the fuck-up of the two of them. Of course, when he realized how much of an asshole that made him, he only felt guiltier. Usually, this was when he'd have to forcibly think about anything else. Indulging these lines of thought had lead to many sleepless nights, and he just--he couldn't afford that, not right now.

So, he banished all thoughts of Julia from his mind, locking them far far away. He wouldn't think about it until he absolutely had to.

Unfortunately, that moment came far too soon.

They needed battle magic to fight the beast. Kady knew battle magic, was better than any of them could ever hope to be at it. Kady was staying with Julia, somehow had been since some time after she left Brakebills South. He wasn't clear at all on the details, but what he _was_ clear on was that the time for pushing all thoughts of Julia away had ran out.

He was tempted, _so_ tempted, to spy on them until Julia had left so they could speak to Kady without ever having to see her, but--that was the cowards way out, and despite all the fucked up stuff they had said and done to each other lately, he wasn't going to do that to Julia. He wasn't sure if he owed her any bravery; at this point it was unclear who had hurt whom the most, but if he was going to die soon anyway then he might as well get some sort of closure with his oldest friend.

That was how he, Eliot, Margo and Alice found themselves in Julia's apartment building. They had checked in on the apartment briefly the day before, through a mirror, and had seen several other people there with the two girls. Reluctant to invade their privacy any more than he already had, Quentin didn't bother checking in with the mirror again before they made their way there--part of him still hoped Julia would be out, that he could avoid the inevitable awkwardness of their reunion and just get what they needed from Kady, but if she was there, he would deal. No matter how much more awkward the addition of his Brakebills friends would make the situation.

Penny, to Quentin's relief, had opted to stay on campus, wanting to avoid Kady at all costs. Quentin understood the urge, not that Penny would appreciate his sympathy.

The first sign that something was wrong came as they neared the door to Julia's apartment--it was ajar, and Quentin was hit with the sudden worry that someone had robbed her place; despite being a relatively nice building, the neighborhood wasn't the safest and it wouldn't be the first time Julia had been burgled. Though, she was living with James last time, had the veneer of a safety net. This time all she would have was--well, a badass battle magician. That thought quelled his worry considerably; while he was unsure of the limits of Julia's own abilities, he's pretty sure Kady could beat them all up even without magic.

Still, he was wary as they approached the door. He had to shush Eliot and Margo; Eliot, who was loudly complaining about having to come along, and Margo, who seemed to be more irritated by Eliot's attitude than normal. Alice was her quiet self, though he could see irritation in her eyes as well, but he had a feeling it might be more directed at him than at Eliot. Things were rocky, between them, recently. Maybe things had always been rocky.

The tense atmosphere hung around them even after they quieted, each of them radiating stress--Penny had definitely had the right idea by not joining them. There was only so much angst one could take, after all.

Exchanging a wary look with his friends Quentin hesitated outside the slightly open door, unsure whether to knock or just enter. His relationship with Julia wasn't exactly clear cut at the moment, and he wasn't at all sure of his place.

Margo made the decision for him, in typical Margo fashion. She shoved him forward, rolling her eyes at his slight squeak of protest as he hit the door, opening it further and stumbling inside in an undignified manner.

His protests died on his tongue as he took in the room. He was mildly aware of his friends freezing in shock behind him as they too saw the scene in front of them.

Blood was absolutely everywhere. That's the first thing he registered, blood and bodies and more blood,_ so_ much goddamn blood, and there, right in the middle of the room, staring into space, was Julia.

She was alive, and he felt a wave of relief come through the shocked horror taking over his brain. He went to move towards her instinctively, wanting to make sure she was alright, but was stopped by a hand on his arm. Alice, with her own look of shock on her face, shook her head at him slightly, not wanting either of them to go further into the room right now. He fought down a wave of irrational anger towards her; she was right, they had to be cautious, maybe whatever had done this was still there. Hell, maybe it was the beast--though he couldn't think of why he would target Julia and her friends, of all people.

Unable to stand it any longer, he called out to her.

"Jules?"

Her head snapped up to him, her eyes wide and slightly wild. She didn't say anything, didn't move for several moments as Quentin and his friends took in her bloody, disheveled state.

* * *

The detachment she felt had very quickly turned to panic as she took notice of the faces hovering by the door. Quentin and his annoyingly hot but no doubt pretentious friends all seemed rooted to where they stood, and Julia would have been angry at them for letting themselves in if she could feel anything other than the contrary mix of panic and numbness that was overriding all else.

She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. They seemed to be waiting for her to say or do something, but they were going to be disappointed; she felt so drained, so unable to offer up any words of reassurance. Distantly, she wondered if they would think _she _did this--if the crazy hedge bitch had finally snapped. She hoped Quentin hadn't lost faith in her quite that much, but she couldn't be sure of anything anymore.

Finally, she managed to speak.

"What do you want?" she tried for angry, but the words came out monotonous and croaky, and she had the ridiculous urge to laugh at the looks of disbelief they brought out in her uninvited guests faces. They clearly wanted an explanation, one that she was incapable of giving to them right then.

"I...uh, Jules what...?" Quentin stuttered out half a question, his brow furrowed in either confusion or concern. It was strange, she thought, how she couldn't quite read him anymore, not as well as she used to be able to. They had both changed, maybe more than they realized. Maybe more than they could reconcile.

Instead of answering the question he hadn't quite asked, she rose to her feet. Or at least, she attempted to--it turned into more of a failed scramble as she slipped on the blood coating the floor, coating her feet and legs.

Before her knees could hit the ground, she felt a familiar pair of arms around her, holding her upright. She half expected to want to recoil from his touch, from any touch, but despite everything this was Quentin and there was still no one in the world who felt more like home and family and safety than him. She looked into his face, still seeing the same confusion warring with concern, and she felt the urge to just...crumble. Was she allowed to crumble? A part of her wanted to clutch onto him and cry, but the thought alone terrified her.

"Well, fuck." The voice came from the door, and Julia was reminded that they weren't alone; the hot brunette girl who she wasn't sure she knew the name of had stepped further into the room, and was looking her up and down with an assessing and knowing gaze that set Julia's teeth on edge. The other two were still standing by the door looking incredibly uncomfortable.

Julia ignored her, and turned back to Quentin, who was looking at her legs now too, seemingly only just now noticing that they were bare and covered in blood. She wasn't sure if he put all the pieces together, and she didn't really want to find out. She was already feeling far more exposed than she wanted to.

Pushing away from Quentin on very shaky legs, she grabbed a discarded hoodie from the couch and tied it around her waist; Kady had left it there just before they began the ritual. She absently hoped Kady wouldn't mind her staining it.

By this point, the other two had also moved further into the room, though the blonde girl's attention wasn't on her--it was on the pile of bodies in the corner. Julia followed her gaze and a sob caught in her throat as she took in the lifeless faces of the people she had grown to care for so much these past few weeks; they had just wanted hope, happiness, love. Was that naive of them? Of her? To want so desperately to find some goodness in such a cold, unforgiving world?

Seemingly done with her assessment of the bodies, the blonde turned to her tentatively.

"Is Kady?.." She trailed off at the end, unable to finish the sentence. That's what she had been doing, Julia realized--checking the bodies for the curly haired girl.

"She got out, I _swear_, she's okay, I wouldn't let him hurt her,_ I promise_, she made it out..."Julia fixed her with an intense expression, desperation creeping into her voice. She needed them to know that Kady was alive. Maybe because the thought of her was the only thing keeping her going at that moment.

The blonde, with wide eyes and a restrained look on her face, nodded awkwardly at her in an attempt to be reassuring. "I believe you. Is...is _he _gone?"

Mirroring her gesture, Julia nodded. This seemed to calm the blonde somewhat, though she was still far from comfortable.

The brunette stepped closer to Julia, hands on her hips and radiating authority. "Okay then. You three, take care of this mess. You, show me your bathroom." It was very clearly not a request, and part of Julia wanted to argue with the woman, but as she looked into her eyes she saw an unexpected touch of _something _there. She seemed to have the get-shit-done attitude of Marina mixed with the empathy of Quentin, apparently resulting in someone really capable during a crisis.

"Wait, what about--"

"There'll be time for that later. Get it together Coldwater." Her tone allowed for absolutely no argument, and Quentin seemed to agree as his mouth snapped shut, his worried eyes and furrowed brow still lingering on Julia. Turning her back on him, the brunette once again prompted, "Bathroom?"

Julia nodded hesitantly, all words escaping her. Maybe she should be fighting the stranger on this, but the thought of getting away from that room and the eyes she could feel baring into her soul sounded like the best idea in the world.

She started towards the bathroom, stumbling a little but recovering before anyone noticed, or so she thought. She didn't want any of them to know how weak and shaky she felt right then, but there was probably no hiding it.

The brunette followed closely beside her, close enough to offer support if it was needed, but not quite touching her. Julia wasn't sure if she was doing it on purpose, but she was reluctantly grateful; even more so when the woman shot a glare over her shoulder at Quentin, who had looked like he desperately wanted to follow and help but was thoroughly cowed by her gesture.

Once they were in the bathroom with the door firmly shut behind them, the woman wasted no time getting straight to the point.

"Okay, I don't know exactly what happened to you. Hell, maybe my guess is actually way off, but I doubt it. Regardless, I can sympathize with what I think happened."

Julia was thrown off by her forwardness, and shakily sat down on the edge of the closed toilet seat. Uncomfortable, she defensively crossed her arms over her stomach.

"And what do you think happened?"

"I think you were raped."

Julia's breath quickly left her lungs as the words that she had been trying to avoid thinking were said so bluntly. She screwed her eyes shut, instinctively cringing. This seemed to be enough of an answer for the woman in front of her.

She let out a measured sigh.

"I know some healing spells, just general stuff, but they can be applied here. Is that okay?"

Looking into her eyes, Julia saw the true intent behind her words; if told, she would back off instantly, give her privacy and space. She wanted Julia to know she was in control here.

The unexpected gesture was almost too much, this show of kindness from someone who was a stranger to her. She felt tears well in her eyes, unable to control the response, and blinked several times to try to clear them. Then she nodded, not trusting herself to speak without her voice breaking, slightly embarrassed by her over emotional reaction.

The woman made a series of practised movements with her hands, performing a spell unfamiliar to Julia. She tried to follow the motions with her eyes, the part of her that desperately wanted to learn every possible spell out there was still present, even underneath the heavy fog of recent events. She couldn't quite follow everything though, her fatigue truly catching up to her.

She felt the moment the spell worked--she hadn't really registered the pain she had been in until it was gone, though she knew logically that at least some of the blood she was covered in was her own. Her relief must have shown on her face, as the woman in front of her nodded in satisfaction.

"I know a cleaning spell, would you rather that or a shower? Since now I'm actually sure you can stand on your own." She spoke with a cool detachment that set Julia at ease, and despite the part of her that really wanted to know that spell, a shower sounded like exactly what she needed.

She told her this, and the woman nodded again, like she had been expecting that answer.

"I'll go through your closet if that's okay, get you some clothes?" At Julia's hesitant nod of agreement she continued. "I'll leave them just outside the door. One more thing though." For the first time, the woman looked somewhat sheepish, as she turned to rummage through her bag and pulled out a packet of pills. At Julia's questioning look, she explained, "Just in case. I don't know if you're already on birth control, but I guarantee you these are more effective than anything you can get on the muggle market.”

Staring blankly at the offered pill, Julia once again felt nauseous, having not even considered the possibility of pregnancy--would they even work? Maybe if it had been a normal man, but a god? She wasn't at all confident it would, but a magician brand emergency contraceptive would undoubtedly stand a better chance than a regular one. Figuring she might as well try, she picked it out of the woman's palm and dry swallowed it before she could second guess herself even more than she already had.

The woman stood up straight and, satisfied, moved to exit the room when Julia stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"Wait. I..." Her voice was hoarse, so she cleared her throat and tried again. "I, uh, don't even know your name. Why are you helping me?" It came out a tad more pathetic than she had intended.

The woman's expression didn't change, but her eyes seemed to take on a distant glaze for a moment.

"Like I said, I can sympathize."

Her eyes bore into her, and Julia could understand the unspoken solidarity, the _I know because I've been there_ conveyed through the gesture, and it filled her with a mixture of emotions that left her once again speechless and off-kilter. The woman walked back towards the door, turning to offer a humorless but beautiful smile.

"And I'm Margo, by the way." With that she left the room, probably to pick out some clean clothes for Julia and check on the progress outside, leaving Julia feeling strangely reassured.

* * *

Alice was performing a complicated spell that Quentin knew she couldn't have learnt at Brakebills, or at least not in any of the first year classes he had attended. Alice didn't offer an explanation, and when he asked if he could help she responded with an exasperated eye roll. Well, he supposed that answered that.

Aside from manually scrubbing the floor, it seemed there wasn't much he could do that wouldn't simply make things worse, much to his frustration, since the box of emotions and issues and heartache labelled 'Julia' had been well and truly opened and he could have used the distraction. It was only worry for his friend that was keeping him from entering the much-deserved guilt spiral his brain was teetering towards.

Perched on the edge of a counter, Quentin mindlessly worried the nail of his thumb between his teeth while watching Alice work. His anxiety was almost spilling over when he felt the solid presence of Eliot pressing into his shoulder. Quentin may be self-involved, but even he wasn't oblivious to the man's latest self-destructive binge, which was why he didn't expect the sharp focus of Eliot's gaze and the worried tilt to his mouth--though he still clutched his signature flask, taking the occasional sip.

"You okay, Q?" Concern filled his tone, which only spiked Quentin's introspective guilt--he shouldn't have to ask _him _that, shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of being the emotionally well-adjusted party.

"I'm a really shitty friend." _God _even that sounded self pitying, like he was making this all about him and his stupid goddamn _guilt_. Guilt that wouldn't help anyone.

"Well from my experience that's not _always_ true." Eliot gave a wry smile as Quentin rolled his eyes.

"If I wasn't so self-involved, if I hadn't tried to keep magic to myself, if I'd not just totally dropped her as a friend....maybe things would be different. If I wasn't being petty about being fucking friendzoned or whatever maybe..."

"Stop with the maybes please. Come on, you burned each other on both ends--but at least yours was mostly unintentional. And you don't fucking control who gets into Brakebills, if you want someone to blame for that blame Fogg--"

"But--"

"Shh, Eliot's speaking. As for the friendzone thing--and please, never say that term out loud again, it's so gauche--yeah, that was your bad. But you got over it. I bet she has too. This whole situation right here? You had absolutely no fucking control over it. Okay?" He offered Quentin his flask as he asked the question, and Quentin hesitated before nodding and reaching for it, his racing mind not quite quieted but somewhat slower.

"This is just...really fucked up. I'm not sure what to do, how to help."

"Maybe you can't help. At least not right now, and that's okay. You don't have to save everyone, Q."

Quentin frowned at that, not sure if Eliot was still just talking about Julia. He was about to press him when Alice cleared her throat, arms crossed awkwardly over her chest.

"It's finished. And I hope that by 'take care of this mess' Margo meant completely disintegrate the bodies and all accompanying biological matter, because that's what I did."

"Jesus, Alice." Quentin's eyes were wide.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you have a better idea?" Alice raised her eyebrow incredulously and the silence she received from them both was answer enough.

"Why are you dick-holes just sitting around? _Vámonos_." Margo marched into the room with her usual air of regality, and Quentin felt a surge of affection for her; her straightforward-ness and apparent lack of anxiety were something the situation desperately needed.

"Uh, it's done." Quentin gestured to the room, now clean of the blood that had seemed to permeate the very floorboards just moments ago.

"Wow, that was impressively fast."

"Yes, for some reason Alice knows a spell that disintegrates bodies--which, while mildly disturbing, we probably don't have time to get into." Eliot stood up straight as he spoke, and Quentin tried not to miss the comforting warmth against his shoulder.

Alice rolled her eyes. "It wasn't meant specifically for disintegrating bodies, just general biological matter. I... figured it would also work with bodies."

"Biological matter, huh?" Eliot raised his eyebrow suggestively; to which Alice raised _her _middle finger.

Tuning his other friends out, Quentin turned to Margo with a worried crease in his brow.

"Is everything okay?" It felt like a stupid question, and he wanted to rephrase it as soon as the words left his mouth, but Margo laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"She's taking a shower; that's something. But we need to figure out what the fuck we're gonna do next, before she comes out and realizes that I'm just winging it." Her tone tried for humor, but her worry was evident.

"Margo...look, I'm not even super sure what's going on, and I just--" He let out a quiet, frustrated breath. "I don't know how to help. But I want to."

"I know, Q. We'll talk it over with her, obviously, but I doubt she'll be too thrilled about staying here, and the safest place we can be is Brakebills. So, first things first; are we sneaking her in, or are we convincing the dean to grant her asylum?"

"Honestly, he'll probably find out no matter what we do. We might as well give him the illusion that he has a say in the matter." Alice piped in as Quentin frowned in thought.

Margo nodded at her, impressed by both her logic and her manipulative streak.

"Sound argument. Think you could convince him? Like, within the next hour?"

Alice blinked, surprised.

"Don't worry, we'll bring her back with us no matter what. But like you said, might as well let him think we sort of respect him."

Alice nodded, a slight uptilt to her mouth the only other response.

"Alright...I know a lot is going on, but the beast is still coming. We still need battle magic, and someone should find Kady. Think you're up for it El?" Margo's eyes held a challenge, daring Eliot to protest or just generally fuck it up. He met her gaze with determination, either to prove himself or to just prove her wrong.

Giving one last supportive squeeze to Quentin's shoulder, he strode towards the door where Alice was preparing to leave.

"I'll catch Penny up on everything that's happening while I'm there. I'm guessing Kady's coming back too?" At Margo's nod Alice sighed. "I'll pick up a bottle of scotch on the way. Maybe that'll distract Fogg enough to convince him to let them both onto school grounds." She sent another strained smile Quentin's way, and soon they were gone.

Margo sagged a bit as the door shut, tiredness slipping into her expression, and Quentin felt strangely honored that she was allowing him to see it.

"Let's just skip asking each other if we're okay, yeah?" She said as she noticed his gaze. He nodded with a small smile.

"What about Julia? Is she, uh.." He trailed off, deciding it was just as superfluous to ask if Julia was okay.

"Honestly Q, I don't know her well enough to say how she's doing. Given the general situation I'd say it's not good, but at least it's better than it was fifteen minutes ago. Speaking of; I definitely need to learn Alice's spell, it could come in handy in the future. You know, if we _have_ a future."

"Yeah, well, that's looking less and less fucking likely."

Quentin ran his hands over his face, then through his hair, tugging at the ends anxiously. He was staring at the floor, the one that had been covered in the blood of people he'd never met, _would _never meet. He remembered seeing them milling around Julia's apartment the day before, when he'd checked in with the mirror; he hadn't paid much attention to them, but they'd seemed nice. Normal, even. Certainly not deserving of what had happened to them--but that was how life worked, wasn't it? You suffer, and you try to crawl through the suffering, to drag yourself through it with what little strength you have, only to die, bloody and gruesome and pointlessly. He couldn't help but think he was next.

"Quentin. Hey, you can't freak out--it won't help anyone. Ignore whatever bullshit thoughts are currently going through your head. Just focus on right now, okay?" She was fixing him with an intense gaze full of authority but tinged with concern, and he felt like she could see right through him.

Quentin couldn't disobey a direct order from Margo Hanson; he's not sure anyone could. Still, the dark thoughts lingered in his mind, as they always had.

* * *

Julia hovered in the doorway of the bathroom, hesitant to leave the small room. She had changed into the clothes the woma- _Margo_ had left for her; she had somehow picked out her favorites, and Julia had to take a moment to wonder if there was a spell for that as well. Or perhaps she had just used common sense to pick out the clothes that hung closest to the front of her dresser. She hoped it was the former; despite everything, she still wanted to believe in the beauty of even the most mundane magic.

She hadn't meant to eavesdrop, not really. It was _her_ apartment after all. But as she had been lingering she had caught part of the conversation, and she had a pretty good idea of what was going through Quentin's head; it made her chest ache to think she was the trigger of his morose thoughts--this was exactly why she didn't want to call him. Not because she didn't love him, not because he couldn't help, but because it would hurt him, and he would help _anyway_. She couldn't do that to him.

She had decided, then; no breaking down. Not right now, at least. She wanted to run away, to repress the shitshow of the last 24 hours, but she couldn't--and she was no use like this, a broken mess who cries when strangers show her basic kindness.

She could think of only one immediate solution to that.

Maybe a memory spell was similar to running away, maybe that made her a coward; but so be it. She'd been called worse.

So again she thought immediately of Marina, who would without a doubt know the spell, she'd used it on James, after all--or maybe that was Pete. Either way, she had options, though she'd rather not encounter Pete's particular brand of sliminess ever again.

Putting that thought to the back of her mind for now, her thoughts turned to the most important thing; finding Kady. That would perhaps be the easiest part, as location spells where simple enough.

_If she's still alive_ a traitorous voice at the back of her mind piped in. A churning anxiety took over her gut as she pictured _him_, Reynard, going straight from where he had left her to Kady, hurting Kady, killing Kady--not willing to let a single one of them escape. She closed her eyes and focused on her immediate surroundings, willing her brain to stay away from that entire subject. It was harder than she would have liked.

The voices from the next room fell silent, and she took the opportunity to step through the door.

Quentin's concerned gaze immediately snapped to her, while Margo's lingered on him for a moment, Julia noted with interest. After being Quentin's only real friend for so long, it was strange for her to see. Maybe she should feel bitter, that Quentin has made such close friends without her, but all she felt now was relief. The more people who actively care about Quentin's mental health, the better. He needed that.

After a moment of silence that wavered on uncomfortable, Margo began to catch Julia up with their plan, namely the go-to-brakebills plan. Julia wasn't exactly happy with that, but relented when she was told Kady would meet them there, along with the others--who seemed to have left as she was showering, she was thankful to note.

Quentin was quiet the entire time, a fact that made Julia uneasy--not because he was usually particularly verbose, but because of the many elephants in the room. She wasn't exactly chatty herself, only really speaking to put up some token protest at the prospect of sneaking into Brakebills. Again.

Margo filled the silence though, with her commanding and regal presence making up for their lack of input.

Only once Margo left, with pointed a look at Q that Julia couldn't quite decipher and a promise to meet them at the portal they'd used to get here, did the silence really begin to feel heavy. She wished they weren't doing this here, but they couldn't move forwards without an actual conversation.

"So..."

"I'm sorry, Jules. I just--I'm sorry. I was a dick."

Her face softened. That was easier than she thought it would be.

"Me too--I'm sorry, I mean. For..for that awful fucking spell. I swear I didn't mean for you to almost--" Julia sighed, her voice wavering. "I'm sorry. Did you get my letter?"

"Yeah, I got it. I didn't really know if I should reply...or if I even wanted to." Quentin winced. "That came out wrong--"

"It's okay, Q. I didn't write that letter because I wanted your forgiveness, you don't owe me anything. Just wanted to get it all out there." Her lips twisted into an imitation of a smile, but Quentin looked far from reassured.

"I've been pretty...caught up in my own bullshit. Probably because you're not around to tell me when I'm doing something dumb." He said sardonically. They shared a genuine smile at that, though it didn't last long, as Quentin pushed on. "Jules...what happened here?"

As soon as he asked, she felt her veneer start to crack. She'd almost forgotten where they were, what had just happened.

She was silent for a long moment, seriously contemplating how much she wanted to disclose to him. She wanted to repair their friendship, but it wasn't repaired, not yet. Or was that just an excuse to not talk about it? Perhaps.

He'd seen enough already, though. There was no point trying to sugarcoat it.

Just when Quentin was probably starting to think he wasn't going to get an answer, Julia's soft voice broke the silence.

"We were naive. We wanted to summon a goddess." She scoffed, rolling her eyes in frustration at her past self. "Turns out we weren't summoning who we thought we were."

She glanced at Quentin, who was listening intently with sympathy painting his expression.

"It, uh--yeah. It didn't go well." She looked intently at the floor--she couldn't talk about it, not yet. The wounds were far too raw.

Quentin watched her attentively, waiting a moment to see if she would continue. Only when she didn’t did he nod slightly, nudging their shoulders together briefly.

"I kind of get it, we--" He gestured to where his friends had left, "--did something similar. Not summoning a goddess, but something else, that turned out to be something _else_. And then it tried to kill us. Repeatedly. Actually, it's been trying to kill us since--that's also kinda why we need to get back to Brakebills, because it's, like, vaguely safer there, though that's not really saying much--" Julia raised an amused eyebrow, attempting to follow his ramblings. "Sorry. My point is, despite what goes wrong, it's not wrong to want to hope for something more. Or so they tell me." He grinned sheepishly. "I'm probably not the most qualified person to be giving a pep talk about hope and optimism."

Julia studied him just as closely for a moment, choosing her next words carefully.

"When that hope gets people killed...how can you justify it then?" She shook her head, staring at the corner of the room where the bodies had been. "Look where hope got them. They didn't fucking deserve this, to just be _dead_ with nothing left to show that they were ever even here. Everyone who would have missed then, who would have mourned them, died in this room."

Quentin frowned at that, reaching out to grip Julia's hand.

"Everyone but you and Kady. Don't forget that Jules, you survived--I know that doesn't make it any better right now but..._you _can mourn them. You _are_ mourning them."

She paused at that. He was right of course, though it wasn't much of a comfort yet. Being alive.

Hesitantly, he put his other hand on her arm, light and comforting, and it was all the prompt Julia needed to lean into his embrace. Resting her head on his shoulder where they sat, she let herself crumble--just this once, just a little bit.

Truthfully, she felt like a part of her _had_ died along with her friends, but Quentin's words rang through her ears.

_You survived._

She had, hadn't she? Maybe that should mean something.

She had to wonder, why? Why had she survived? Not in the abstract, but specifically--why did Reynard leave her alive? Perhaps he thought it would cause her more pain, this way. He wouldn't be wrong.

"Jules?"

She had obviously been staring into space for a while when Quentin called out to her, pulling away slightly and snapping her out of her thoughts. She sent him a small smile, an acknowledgement that she was still here, but didn't speak up again.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Quentin visibly winced after he said this, an exaggerated grimace on his face. A _bit_ of an overreaction, Julia thought.

"I'm just...worried. About why he left me alive." She had the urge to stare at her lap as she spoke, and forced herself to keep looking at Quentin's face. He was clearly trying to keep his expression impassive but sympathetic, and the twitching of his face as he tried to control it made Julia feel a glow in her chest; she really _had_ missed him. "Kady got out because he was...distracted. But he let me live. I'm worried that he's not done with me. Hell, I'm worried that he's doing this to someone else right now. I'm worried he went after Kady, I'm worried--" Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat before continuing, "I'm worried he got me pregnant, and that the pills Margo gave me won't do anything against fucking god-sperm. I'm just--really fucking worried, Q."

Quentin was staring at her with wide eyes at that point, not entirely surprised by her confirmation of what happened, but clearly unnerved now that it had been stated with such finality. Clearing his throat, he wiped his hand across his slightly misty eyes.

"We'll figure it out, Jules. Whatever happens, we--_I_\--" He took a deep breath, trying to clear his head, "We're better together, and I don't ever want to be on opposite sides again. That includes Brakebills--we'll figure it all out, I promise."

* * *

It was on the way to the cottage that Julia mentioned her intentions for her memory.

To say Quentin was conflicted would be an understatement. Obviously this trauma was fresh, incredibly fresh, but after their talk and her demeanor for the last few minutes, he had naively thought she was handling everything remarkably well. Perhaps he needed to pay more attention.

Regardless, he felt more out of his depth than ever--his instinct was to talk her out of it, but was that his place? Shouldn't she and _she only_ get a say in what happens to her, especially now?

But she wouldn't be able to deal with it if she couldn't remember. Repressed emotions tend to come back and bite you on the ass, especially if you're a magician. Arguably, it was unhealthy _at best_ but, well, who the hell was _he_ to say what was healthy?

He didn't voice any of that; it definitely wouldn't help. But he didn't need to say anything--she could still read his face like a book, it seemed.

"I don't expect you to understand. But I just...I can't be like this right now, okay? I just need to put dealing with this on the back burner, and it's the only way to do it. And maybe I just don't _want_ to remember, shouldn't that be enough?"

"I--uh, yeah. You're right, of course you're right. I just wanna make sure you've thought it through, is all."

"I know, Q. I'm not gonna do it right away, I'm just seriously considering it as an option. I mean, Marina wiped me out of James' memory entirely, so one night would be a piece of cake in comparison."

Quentin bit his tongue at that, his distrust for the powerful hedge witch was clear on his face, but he didn't voice it. They both knew, at this point, that someone useful didn't necessarily mean someone trustworthy.

The thought of James sent a twinge of guilt through his gut--they had never been close, not really. But for a while, James and Julia were his only friends, and he hadn't so much as thought about the man since stepping onto the Brakebills grounds. Truthfully, out of the three of them, James had probably gotten the best end of the deal. Certainly the safest.

Watching Julia take in the cottage for the first time triggered an array of emotions in him. She'd mostly kept her head down on the way through the Brakebills grounds; she'd seen them before, and she didn't want to draw too much attention to herself. Only once they stepped inside the building that had become _home_ to him at some point without him even realizing, did her eyes widen slightly in awe at the lavishly decorated place. Tendrils of guilt coursed through Quentin's gut--this place should be _her_ home, too. Or at least get the chance to be. She didn't deserve to be turned away like she had been.

If Julia felt any of his anxiety, she didn't show it. He watched her pick up a few knick-knacks around the room, inspecting them with a small, distracted smile on her face, and he felt that familiar warmth in his chest that she always used to bring out in him--the one he had thought was an unrequited crush, once upon a time. Now though, he was beginning to realize that wasn't what it was; it was deeper than a romantic love. She was his home, just like this place, and he belatedly realized that that was why watching her interact with this place felt so surreal to him. The most important parts of his world were colliding.

The cottage itself seemed to be empty, with not even a stray Todd occupying the front room. It made sense, he supposed, with the resident party king and queen otherwise occupied at the moment.

Margo had checked in with them near the portal, and then had splintered off just as soon as she had arrived, claiming she was going to check on Alice's progress.

Clearly, that's what she had been doing, as the next time they saw her she had her arm looped through Alice's, dragging the other girl into the cottage with a triumphant grin on her face.

She held up a hand, silencing any comments or questions Quentin was about to throw out.

"Yeah, you're gonna want to hear this." She gestured for Alice to speak, and the other girl bristled under the full attention of the room, wrestling with her composure before beginning.

"So, I may have slipped something into the dean's scotch to make him uh, more cooperative..."

"You...drugged Dean Fogg?"

"No!...Well, not really. More like a truth potion. I got the feeling he was omitting something so..."

At her side, Margo beamed, inappropriately proud.

"You should be real fuckin' glad she did, too, because you'll never guess what that fucker was hiding."

Alice shot Margo a glare at her overzealousness, but Margo wasn't cowed in the slightest.

"Fucking tell them what you just told me!"

Alice let out a put upon sigh, before straightening her shoulders.

"So we're in a time loop. Or, we were. This is the fortieth and final time line."

"…What the fuck."

"I know, right?" Margo was far too excited.

"He was...vague, as usual, even with the truth potion, but...the beast kills us in every timeline. Eliza kept resetting the time loop, to try to give us a chance to kill him."

Quentin stared at her incredulously, these answers only forming more questions. He glanced at Julia, who was looking on, clearly confused.

"Alice...this is batshit, obviously, and I have a million questions, but what does any of this have to do with what you actually went to go see him for?"

"I was getting to that." She shot him an icy glare at the interruption. "The only reason any of that even came up was because we were talking about Julia." She glanced at the girl in question shyly before continuing. "He was being weird and evasive when I told him you needed to stay, so I asked why you weren't just here in the first place. I expected it to be something similar to why I wasn't invited to the entrance exam, some bullshit excuse. But it was intentional." She turned to face Julia head-on this time, a crease between her eyebrows conveying her concern. "You were deliberately kept out of brakebills--something was changed in each timeline, and you're what was changed in this one."

By the end of Alice's sentence, Julia's face was almost unreadable. Vindication mixed with anger and sadness and something else, she was silent as she took in this new information.

Quentin, on the other hand, was sure everyone could read his face right then better than Penny could read his thoughts--he was gobsmacked. He really hadn't expected this outcome today. Maybe he should be more used to absurdity by now.

More than anything, he felt the urge to apologize to Julia--she was right. She had always been right, and she belonged at Brakebills.

"Did he know? Did he know what would happen?" Julia's voice was cold, her jaw clenched and eyes intensely focused on Alice's face as she answered.

"No. I don't think so--he actually mentioned you were his favorite student, in the other time lines. He was pretty pissed that this is the one that's sticking."

"Yeah, me too." Julia crossed her arms, an array of emotions now fighting for control over her expression. Alice shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, but Julia wasn't looking at _her_, not really.

"Did he, uh, say anything else?" Quentin cut in, hand running through his hair anxiously.

"No, that was around the point he said Julia and Kady could stay if I just left him the fuck alone, so..." Alice shrugged. "He was about as helpful as usual, but that's _something_, at least."

Quentin nodded, unsurprised. Even under the influence of truth potion the man managed to be an evasive bastard.

"Jules...are you--"

"I'm _fine_, Quentin." He winced at her tone--she was clearly not. But pushing the matter would be pointless.

He shuffled awkwardly, not wanting to overstep but desperately wanting to _help_, somehow.

Instead, he turned to Alice and Margo.

"Did--"

And that's when Eliot burst through the door dramatically, like some kind of quirky sitcom neighbor.

"Oh good, you're here." They stared at him incredulously as he beckoned them to gather around him, like he was the king and they his court. "So, first things first; Kady's _fine_, so don't freak out like Penny did when I ran into him assuming he already knew about everything--which he definitely didn't."

"Shit, sorry. I forgot." Alice adjusted her glasses self-consciously, but Margo shook her head.

"Alice has been pretty fucking busy, I'm sure Penny can handle being a little out of the loop."

"Yeah, not when my opening sentence was 'Kady's in the infirmary'."

"What?!" Julia jerked forward urgently, an intense look in her eyes that made even Eliot take a step back from her despite his considerable height advantage.

"That's pretty much how Penny reacted too." He let out a put upon sigh. "Like I said, she's fine, don't freak out--"

"She doesn't _sound_ fine!"

"She just needed a little magically-assisted detox, so I took her to where_ I _went last time I did too many drugs. She didn't OD or anything, but she was pretty strung out so I figured I sh--"

Julia had already marched out of the cottage.

"Uh, shit--" Quentin shot a quick apologetic look towards his friends before running after her, "Jules! Wait!"

"_What_, Q? You don't need to escort me everywhere."

Her voice was sharp and icy, and Quentin found himself trying to pinpoint what exactly had caused this turn in her demeanor, but, well--they'd received a hell of a lot of information in the past ten minutes. It could be any of it.

Panting slightly and feeling mildly embarrassed about his lack of physical fitness, he caught up with her.

"Okay, but--do you even know where the infirmary is?"

This made her stop. She sighed and turned to face him, a hint of reluctant regret in her eyes.

"Good point." With a nod and a sheepish look she waved ahead, "Mind leading the way?" She bit her lip and held out her arm, the gesture both an olive branch and an apology.

He took it instantly, giving her a soft smile, and lead her to the infirmary in silence, for once words feeling unnecessary.

They arrived to find Professor Lipson engaged in what looked like a very intense conversation with Penny.

_Ugh, Penny._

As soon as Quentin thought it, the man in question's head shot up, his intense glare now focused on him. Quentin really needed to stop forgetting that Penny was psychic.

"You really do."

"Fuck off, Penny."

"Fix your wards, asshole."

"My wards are fine! It's not my fault you--"

"Where's Kady?" Julia directed the question at Lipson, cutting the squabble short, though she did shoot Quentin a bemused look.

Lipson looked grateful for the interruption.

"She's through there," She gestured to the room behind them, "but I think it's best if she doesn't have visitors for a while, she was rather, uh, erratic when Penny went in earlier.."

Penny looked uncharacteristically sad, for just a second, before his face returned to his usual unreadable scowl. Quentin felt a stab of sympathy for him, before squashing it down--if he heard Quentin pity him he would _definitely_ punch him.

Julia was about to argue when the door opened.

Kady stepped out, and all eyes turned to her, but she only had eyes for Julia. Quentin noted she was a lot paler than usual, and had deep dark circles under her eyes, but other than her stained clothes she seemed almost okay.

"Julia..." The name was said like a prayer, the quiet whisper of Kady's voice speaking volumes. For a moment they both stood there frozen, staring at each other, and Quentin felt like he was intruding on a deeply private moment. A glance to his right told him Penny probably felt the same, though his expression was still tinged with the sadness from earlier.

Suddenly both girls rushed forwards, arms enveloping each other, and if Quentin felt like he was intruding before, now he felt like a voyeur. They were clinging to each other almost desperately, with Kady burying her face into the shorter girl's shoulder, hiding her expression completely. He could only see the back of Julia's head from where he was, but she seemed to be returning Kady's intensity just as much.

After a few moments, they broke apart, though they still remained in close proximity. Kady grabbed Julia's hand and, without even addressing anyone else in the room, tugged Julia into the adjoining room she had just come from.

Before the door closed behind them, Julia shot out a tense smile at him over her shoulder.

"We'll meet you back at the cottage, okay Q?" As much as it was phrased as a question, the door shut as soon as it was asked, leaving no room for Quentin to actually answer.

Shrugging, he turned to leave, only to find Penny staring at him curiously.

"Uh..."

Penny rolled his eyes and exited the infirmary, and Quentin was left confused as he followed the taller man outside--not on purpose, he was just going that way too. He thought that part as loud as he could, and he swore he heard Penny snort in amusement.

The walk back to the cottage was actually _somewhat_ amiable--for them, at least. It seemed Quentin now had the job of catching Penny up with everything that had happened; Eliot _really _hadn't given him much information beyond 'Kady's in the infirmary'.

* * *

"So, you're alive." Kady was sitting next to Julia on a small infirmary cot, their thighs pressed against each other in an anchoring comfort as a tense atmosphere clung around them. After the hug, after the door had closed, after the desperation had faded somewhat, they had both found themselves struggling to find the words they needed. It hadn't even been a full day since the ritual, Julia bemoaned in her head; she really needed to curl up in bed and just forget the entire week.

"So are you."

"Yeah, well.." Kady trailed off, eyes fixed on the corner of the room and jaw clenched in agitation. Julia moved her hand to her knee, squeezing softly in a comforting, familiar gesture. Kady startled slightly at the initial contact, but relaxed when she met Julia's eyes. She looked away again almost immediately, and Julia fought the urge to reach out for her even more.

A splash of something dark caught her eye, and she zeroed in on the bloody stain on the front of Kady's shirt.

"Shit, are you okay?" Her hand hovered near the stain, concerned but not touching.

"I'm fine. It's not--it's not mine. I'm still wearing the same clothes from, uh, before." Kady was staring at the stain now too, jaw clenched tight with a severe, unreadable expression. Julia pulled back her hand, her heart hurting for the woman next to her. It was hard to see Kady--strong, stubborn, angry, _amazing _Kady--so shaken.

"I can go get a change of clothes for you, I packed some stuff before we left the apartment."

"Yeah….uh, did you--was everything...the other freetraders..." Kady trailed off, sighing in frustration but not taking her eyes off of the stain.

Understanding what she was asking, Julia took pity on her and forced out her next sentence.

"Q and his friends took care of the bodies." At the word Kady flinched ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly. Julia pushed on. "They were surprisingly helpful, actually. Kinda made me feel bad about hating them on principle for so long."

"Well, spend more than ten minutes talking to any of them and I guarantee you'll hate them again." Kady's smile was a little forced, as were her words, but Julia saw them for what they were, and returned with a small smile of her own.

"Can you leave yet?"

"Technically I should have already left, but Sunderland doesn't give a shit."

Julia glanced through the window at the women in question; she was definitely playing candy crush on her phone. She shot a slight smirk at Kady--the Brakebills staff were truly a mystery.

Kady sent her a soft half-smile in return, before rubbing her eyes in a rare display of tired vulnerability. Julia's heart clenched at the sight. She had the strongest urge to reach for her again, but resisted.

"Shall we get going then?"

"Actually, uh..." Kady paused, worrying her bottom lip against her teeth. "Can we...talk?"

"Uh, sure, what--um, what about?" Julia's voice rose an octave, undermining the casual tone she was going for.

"Just--thank you. For saving my life."

"Kady...you don't need to--I would do it again in a heartbeat."

"Yeah, I know. That's why I'm also sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Jules." As Kady's eyes met hers, Julia saw the same well of sorrow and rage that she was sure reflected out of her own eyes.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I do, though."

At Julia's confused look, Kady scoffed, turning away. Julia could feel the woman's walls going back up, and was powerless to stop it.

"I was a fucking coward. I left you."

"I told you to go." Julia furrowed her brow in concern --she couldn't let Kady harbor guilt over this.

"_I_ told _you_ to go first, but you didn't run away." Obviously it wouldn't be that easy.

"He would have killed you." Julia's voice was calm and sure, despite the hurricane of feelings inside of her.

"He could have killed you too! Fuck, before Eliot found me I assumed he had!"

"Well...he didn't. So it's...it's okay."

"It's _okay_? Seriously?" Kady huffed a laugh, fixing her with a sharp glare.

Julia sighed.

"Fine. It's _not_ okay. But I'm here, and you're here, and I just want to be happy about that for like, five minutes."

Kady watched her carefully for a moment, face impassive, before nodding once.

"Fine."

And just like that, Kady deflated, the anger leaving her--and Julia worried about what would be left when all of that anger was gone, when this beautiful storm of a woman in front of her was all out of the rage that had been propelling her through life so far. Selfishly, Julia didn't want to find out.

Julia waited a beat, but Kady had no more words forthcoming.

"So...did you see Penny?" Julia knew she had, but couldn't think of a better way to segue into the topic. Kady raised an eyebrow in response, scoffing at Julia's lack of subtlety.

"Uh huh. He was...nice."

"You don't seem pleased by that."

Kady avoided her gaze again before answering.

"Because he's not _nice_. He shouldn't _be_ nice. Especially not to me, like I didn't completely abandon him without a word. He should be angry with me, but no, he's _nice_, because he fucking pities me--and that's worse than him hating me." Kady's shoulders were hunched defensively as she spoke, as though the words were causing her physical pain.

Julia's heart ached with the need to fix her, to fix everything, but she knew she couldn't. It didn't stop her from trying though.

"He loves you. He's scared for you, _worried_ about you--and he missed you. I don't know the guy, but I can't imagine anyone not missing you, so--but none of that is _pity_ Kady. I promise you."

Kady was looking into her eyes again now, finally, staring at her as though she were trying to solve an impossible puzzle.

"Maybe. But I'm not--I'm not who he thinks I am. I'm not the same person I was when I went here, I can't ever be that person again. So whatever he's expecting, I can't give it to him."

"I don't think he's expecting anything Kady, he just cares about you."

She ignored the rest of Kady's sentence, selfishly; _I can't ever be that person again_.

Was that a truth for them both? Julia was starting to doubt, ever so slightly, that the memory spell could fix the disoriented feeling that had enveloped her for the last few hours; but if that couldn't, could anything?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Convenient solutions to plot points I'm not interested in exploring? Check. Part 2 coming soon(ish).

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a few months ago then ran out of steam and enthusiasm, so if I don't post it now I'll just be editing forever. Part 2 coming eventually.


End file.
